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  #11  
Old 01-06-2009, 12:24 AM
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Tau Zero Tau Zero is offline
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This one's more than 8 years old (UPN and WB are now "the CW"), but here you go:

Forum: rec.models.rockets
Subject: OT - New Fall TV schedule, long but worth it!
Date: 10/24/2000
Author: Neil Tarasoff <neilchad@flash.net>

NBC
8:00 Friends
8:30 Girlfriends
9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends
9:30 My Gay Friends
10:00 Friends You Wish You Had But Don't

FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating People on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90's, 210th Episode

UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through

WB
8:00 Where My Wife At?
8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
9:00 Me & My Psychic
9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
10:00 The Laquisha, Taurameeka & Shantrelle Show

PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have a Caller on the Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out

E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
8:30 John Belushi: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:30 River Phoenix: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills

ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Most Brutal Men
8:30 Being Hit by a Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Coed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training from Maui
10:30 Girls Collegiate Wheelchair Lawn Dart National Championship

LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband in Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television

TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped in Pigturd!
8:30 Roadkill Recipes to Warm the Cockles of Your Heart
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Gourmet Cooking On A Stick
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get the Rifle from the Truck

TELEMUNDO
8:00 Roberto Amorosa en Agua Caliente!
9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
9:30 Goooooooooooooooooooooooooal!
10:00 Videos Chistosos y Dolorosos
10:30 La Hora de Goya


(The 8 p.m. show is "Amorous Bob in Hot Water!")


.
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03 Sept 2014
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  #12  
Old 01-06-2009, 02:48 AM
A Fish Named Wallyum A Fish Named Wallyum is offline
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that **** cue ball he measures everything first!"

Not sure, but I think I also read this one on RMR. I can remember printing it off and trying to read it to my two co-workers, but eventually having to give up and let them read it instead. Two jokes have had that effect on me in my lifetime. This is the only one I can tell on a family forum.
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  #13  
Old 01-06-2009, 04:06 AM
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Mark II Mark II is offline
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Bill,

To say "ROTFLMAO" doesn't quite do enough justice to this joke. What a beaut! I'm laughing so hard I can barely type!



Totally off-the scale funny! Thanks!

Mark \\.
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  #14  
Old 01-06-2009, 07:32 AM
Gillard Gillard is offline
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A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings', tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
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  #15  
Old 01-06-2009, 09:26 AM
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Doug Sams Doug Sams is offline
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Two ol' boys were at the diner in small, east Texas town enjoying the blue plate special. One of them looked up to notice a very large woman across the room gorging on her chicken. Suddenly, her head sprang up and her eyes grew big as she grasped at her throat. One of the guys quickly made his way across the room and bent down to talk to her. "Are you chokking?" he asked. She shook her head 'yes'. "Can you breathe?" She shook her head 'no'. He motioned her to stand up, which she did, then he told her to bend over. He pulled her underwear down, stuck out his tongue and dragged it across her bottom.

She was so shocked that she coughed up the chicken bone and began to breathe with great relief. The ol' boy walked back to his seat and told his partner, "See, I told you that hind lick maneuver works every time!"

Doug


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  #16  
Old 01-06-2009, 09:36 AM
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sandman sandman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doug Sams
Two ol' boys were at the diner in small, east Texas town enjoying the blue plate special. One of them looked up to notice a very large woman across the room gorging on her chicken. Suddenly, her head sprang up and her eyes grew big as she grasped at her throat. One of the guys quickly made his way across the room and bent down to talk to her. "Are you chokking?" he asked. She shook her head 'yes'. "Can you breathe?" She shook her head 'no'. He motioned her to stand up, which she did, then he told her to bend over. He pulled her underwear down, stuck out his tongue and dragged it across her bottom.

She was so shocked that she coughed up the chicken bone and began to breathe with great relief. The ol' boy walked back to his seat and told his partner, "See, I told you that hind lick maneuver works every time!"

Doug


.


EEEEeeeeeeeeewwwww....GROSS!!!


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  #17  
Old 01-06-2009, 09:37 AM
Les Les is offline
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Two Goldfish were in their tank

One says to the other "You man the guns & I'll drive"
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  #18  
Old 01-06-2009, 09:40 AM
Les Les is offline
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A pirate walks into a bar - he has on a pirate hat, eye patch, parrot on his shoulder, cutlass, peg leg, and a steering wheel on his pants.
The bartender says "I understand the patch, parrot, and peg leg, but do you know you have a steering wheel on your pants?"
The pirate replies "AArrr, I knows - Its driving me nuts"
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  #19  
Old 01-06-2009, 12:34 PM
jflis jflis is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark II
Bill,

To say "ROTFLMAO" doesn't quite do enough justice to this joke. What a beaut! I'm laughing so hard I can barely type!



Totally off-the scale funny! Thanks!

Mark \\.


yeah, what Mark said... oh man...
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  #20  
Old 01-06-2009, 02:12 PM
Peartree Peartree is offline
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A man gets called away on an extended business trip but his wife is worried because there have been several break-ins in the neighborhood. To comfort her, he leaves her some money and instructs her to go out and buy herself a guard dog to protect herself and the house while he is gone.

After he leaves she travels to the local pet shop to see if they have what she needs but as you might expect the only dogs they have are puppies. The proprietor notices that the woman is visibly distressed and asks if there is anything that he can do. The woman explains what has happened and sobs that she is so frightened that she doesn't thinks she will be able to sleep and perhaps will be unable to go home at all.

After he makes a phone call, the proprietor explains to the woman that while he doesn't have any guard dogs, he has a friend that might be able to solve her problem if whe is willing to wait until he can drive across town. She consents and sits down in his office to wait. A short while later a man enters carrying a large dog kennel with the openings carefully covered. He meets the woman and explains that inside is a karate monkey. It is trained in multiple martial arts and all one has to do is to say"Karate monkey, prowler." and the monkey will make short work of the prowler, or if a suspicious car is in front of the house say, "Karate monkey, the car." and the monkey will swiftly dispatch the car.

Obviously the woman can hardly believe this wild story so the man offers her a demonstration. They go outside the shop and the man opens the crate and says, "Karate monkey, the dumpster." and the monkey flies out of his crate, completely destroys the dumpster and returns to his crate. The woman is amazed. The price is rather high, but she eagerly pays and takes the monkey home. Curious to make sure that it will work for her, the woman opens the crate and tests the monkey saying, "Karate monkey, the TV." and "Karate monkey, the sofa." Almost before she can see, the monkey races from his cage and literally shreds the sofa and leaves even less of the television. The woman sleeps soundly for the remainder of her husbands trip.

The businessman returns home and wonders what has become of his sofa and television. the mess, of course, has been cleaned up, but the furniture is still missing. The woman explains that in her fear, she could not find a guard dog and has purchased a Karate monkey. "Karate monkey? What in the Sam Hill is a Karate monkey?" asks the husband and the woman explains that the monkey is an expert in several martial arts and has protected her and their house in his absence (except for a little accident with the sofa and the television).

The man is furious and says, "Karate monkey!? Are you nuts!?! Karate monkey my heinie..."
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